Bodhi Dae

I'm finally getting around to posting about our precious niece Bodhi.  A lot of this was written out a few weeks ago, but I just haven't felt ready to post it.  So bits and pieces may be redundant because I've shown some pictures of her and things we did for her etc already.  Anyway, here's what I had started writing a while ago:

I've been jotting down notes in my phone for the past few weeks about it, so some of it's pretty jumbled.  You will all have to forgive me for that.  

I never want this post to come across as if my feelings are more important than those of my family or my sister I law or brother in law. More than anything as a mommy my heart just aches and is broken for them and their loss. My mommy heart cries for Steph's mommy heart.  As an auntie my heart aches for what could  have been. For the cousin my babies lost. For the sister that Cypress lost.  That they will never get to grow up with Bodhi and we won't get to know the person she would have become. I've been struggling with this post because I want it to come out just right and do my best for Bodhi. 

The day Bodhi passed Stephanie was bringing me Cypress so that I could watch her while they spent their much needed time at the Nicu. On the way to our house Cypress was still unaware of how dire the situation was and was talking about next summer and going back to the Coast with Bodhi and having her sleep with the cousins in the bunk bed room. When Stephanie told me that I just broke. It put in perspective more of what we were losing.  I can never even begin to imagine what Steph and John are going through emotionally. They tried for three years to have anther baby, they wanted her so badly. Every baby is a blessing but oh were we all so excited and over the moon for them to finally be getting this baby. And then this happened and now what? all I want to do is be strong for them. To do what I can to help them grieve and to help them get by. I cry a lot with Steph, for Steph. She tells me it's ok to cry, she's so strong.  I hope to be like her someday.  She still goes to the NICU to visit another mom that had her baby at 25 weeks the week after Bodhi was born.  That baby is doing good and growing.  Steph showed me a picture of her other night I and broke down and said I can't, and started crying.  I can't see that picture and know that's how big Bodhi should be.  Again, she's so strong to be able to do that and be the support for this other mama.  

Bodhi Dae lived for 22 short days. Born much to early for her soul her body just couldn't keep up.  With modern medicine it's rare they lose a baby now, the nurse on that day said it was her second death in ten years. She was so perfect in our eyes it was a hard reality to accept.  

The day she passed was brutal. It was the most brutal thing I've ever done. It was hard to beat my experiences with Oliver and his transplant/near death...  But hands down this was the most brutal.  I don't want to go into detail about that day at the hospital in the NICU. Maybe someday I will because this is our family journal and I would like to have it written down at some point. But for now it's my personal thoughts and memories. 

Watching my kiddos process what happened has been... I don't even have a word for it. Natalia asks so many innocent questions and is understanding more. She likes to draw a lot and usually incorporates Bodhi's name in her pictures for Steph or cypress. Lydia just knows baby Jarvis was too sick and little and died. But I don't know if she really understands what that means. I do know that she clings to her toothless Bodhi Build a bear and it's pretty much all I wanted from those dolls. Just for them to have some attachment to her. Someday they will realize how special those dolls truly are. * of course as I'm writing this out she comes up to me (she's been trying to get her Fluttershy socks on and realizing they are too small so all her my little pony socks are too small)  she says "mommy we need to find someone to give my socks too that will fit because Bodhi died" we've been passing all our stuff onto Bodhi so she understands Bodhi is gone and we can't give it to her. Gotta give that little one more credit. 

One of my biggest regrets is that I didn't get to go visit Bodhi enough. It's weighed heavily on my mind. after I saw her the first time we were plagued by germs at home. And I couldn't risk bringing that in to the NICU with those fragile babies. So i had to stay away and just enjoy the pictures posted. I still feel attached and connected to her and I love her dearly. But man oh man do wish I had gotten to see her more and visit more. 

When Bodhi passed I posted a photo to Instagram and spoke of the lessons she taught us in her short life. I spoke of unconditional love and for appreciation of life. To say I'm grateful for my babies is an understatement. I'm so grateful that I had three relatively complication free pregnancies and three healthy babies. I've been humbled by this experience. I've come to realize how easy we had it in getting pregnant and how grateful I need to be for that. I was struggling with the idea of being done having babies. I was having a hard time accepting it I think. Now I just feel so lucky and so blessed with what we have and now I feel content with the idea of being done. It has humbled me to just be happy with where we are in life and to not be sad over them growing up. They are here with us and they are growing and that is a blessing. Life is precious.  Life is so fragile.  

Steph and John had a Facebook page called "I believe in Bodhi" and it was where they would post updates and photos for people to keep up. The weekend after she passed we were sitting at the table talking about her and crying. They didn't know what to do with that page. Weren't sure if they should just delete it or what. After some discussion they decided to leave it open. We talked about how believing in Bodhi had helped us see the good in the world and that she represented the good. How quickly people came together to support them and provide for them was inspiring. So we were saying we should talk about doing good in the world on that page and do good deeds in her name. They want to pay it forward for all the good and love and support done for them. It was amazing to watch the support poor in. I hosted a 31 part for Steph and it had the best sales it was amazing. One of our good deeds has been to make covers for the isolette beds in the Nicu. I had bought fabric for Bodhi's and I felt awful letting it just sit in my sewing room. I said to Charlie one night I still want to make it and donate or and he said that was a good idea. And once that decision was made I felt really good about it. I told Steph my plan and she said she wanted to do the same. So we've been working together to make covers. Just one way we can pay it forward to the Nicu in Bodhi's name.  One day I was feeling particularly emotional. I was on the verge of tears all day and I couldn't quite pinpoint it. I ran to starbucks for a quick pick me up and I paid for the car behind me. Doing that small act of kindness brought a smile to my face and selfishly I felt a little better.  I hope to do lots more acts of kindness in her honor. 

Bodhi was cremated so that Steph and John can take her ashes to their happy place. But they were so very kind to share her ashes too. A few of the aunties and the grandmas chose necklaces with a tree charm that holds them. and a few of us chose something custom to be made. I'm getting a ring made that can be stacked with my mommy rings. When looking at etsy at this gals site this ring caught my eye right away and the thought of wearing it with my mommy ring popped right in my head. It'll be a sweet little reminder to be thankful and happy for my babies, never take them for granted. I've definitely been more patient with them lately.  I find myself rocking Quinton longer than normal. When he wasn't feeling well I pulled him into bed with me instead of making him stay in his crib. I was just grateful that sleeping next to mommy made him feel better enough to sleep. It's all about perspective now.

One of Bodhi's "good" days, she was starting to open her eyes and she was gaining weight.  

I had set up a Facebook invite to get info out on a baby shower for them.  As the date slowly approached I didn't feel right just hitting the delete button on the event.  So after our whole discussion of paying it forward, I decided to change it to the Bodhi Dae pay it forward day.  And I invited everyone to do something good that day in her honor.  We had tons of people participate and it was so neat to see all the good deeds.  We had rented a movie the night before so when I went to return the movie that day I stuck a note and cash in it.  We also donated food to the food bank that day too.  

"Bodhi Dae Jarvis August 13, 2015- September 4, 2015 This precious teeny soul taught us some of the biggest lessons in her 22 days of life. To love unconditionally, to believe in miracles, to find joy in the small things, to take nothing for granted and appreciate what we have, and that life is precious. She may be our little angel now but she will always and forever be in our hearts. Love you precious baby bug to the moon and back"

October was infant loss awareness month, and I found this on Facebook and posted it.  

Steph getting to do Kangaroo care with Bodhi two days before she passed.  It was hard to go from being so happy for them that day and then so sad for them two days later. 

After saying my goodbyes I was out with the little ones in the waiting room, keeping them busy with coloring and snacks.  My three had no real idea what was going on, they were happy to be with cousins, Cypress had said her goodbye (BRUTAL) and I think she was happy for the distraction.

Precious Bodhi Bug.
Everyone once and a while I think of you and I get a little weepy.  Mostly I'm grateful to you for changing our lives.  Thank you for your 22 days with us and fighting so hard.  You are so loved and we will always and forever love you.