The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

I started most of this blog Sunday so when I say today, it's referring to Sunday. It's now Monday and I'm just finishing it up. That's how life is now. =)

So I'm not one to complain publicly... of course Charlie usually gets an ear full he he he. I like to tell everyone I'm good. But I feel like letting it all out on my blog today. Anyway, I'm happy don't get me wrong. I love my kiddos and I love my hubby (the good). So maybe it's just baby blues, but I'm overwhelmed and I'm tired (the bad). And I hate my post baby body right now (the ugly).

I'm loving the newborn stage and I'm loving the snuggle time. Lydia is growing so very fast, she's almost out of her newborn clothing already. She's waking up about every 4 hours at night now which is great. I think she recognizes my voice now. Twice she had turned her head in my direction to find me when I have spoken, it's pretty cool. She's also trying really hard to focus on my face when I get in close to her. Natalia is such a chatter box and it's so fun to hear her say new things all the time. Today at my Grandma's while playing with my cousins Briana and Kyle (two of her very favorite people) she was trying to get them to follow her to the play room and she kept saying, "come on guys" it was seriously so adorable. Although she melts down from time to time, she is actually really good with Lydia. She talks to her a lot and loves to get really close to her face to talk to her. She puts her cheek up against Lydia's cheek too and it's so stinking cute. I will try to get a picture of that soon. Charlie is a huge help when he's home and I'm so grateful for his help. But when he's not home it's tough. My attitude totally sucks right now and he's a trooper to put up with my snappiness. I take a lot of my frustrations out on him poor guy.

Problem is, I'm so FREAKING TIRED! Seriously, I don't remember being this tired last time. I know part of it is having two kiddos instead of one... but COME ON! I can barely keep my eyes open at times, even caffeine doesn't cut it. It used to keep me up at night but I can drink it and still zonk out with in seconds now. I'm totally struggling with adjusting our day to day life as well. By the time I drag my ass out of bed, get both girls up, fed and dressed, then pump. Possibly get myself dressed (usually just stay in PJ's all day long) it's lunch time and I start the process all over again. Today I survived a grocery store trip with just me and the girls. Thankfully they both did great, Lydia slept in the carrier strapped to me the whole time. Natalia sat in the cart with the bribe of a sucker. But, it took me almost an hour and a half to do what used to take me maybe 45 minutes. So I didn't have time to make any other stops or run any other errands. Loading and unloading both girls for something as small as making a return at Old Navy frustrates me so I just haven't done it. I know someday I'll get the hang of it and we'll get into a routine... it's just tough right now knowing we had our routine down and now we don't have one at all. ARG! Ok, and I know this is totally my own fault too. I've had so many offers of help from people, and I just don't do it. Everyone keeps saying they'll take one or both girls so I can get some rest or do what I need to do around the house, run errands etc... and of course I don't take anyone up on those offers. I just have this thought process that won't let me do it for whatever reason. I keep thinking that if I pass Natalia off onto someone, she might resent me for keeping Lydia with me and not her. Or that I need to just tough it out and get used to it because this is my life now and this was my choice. yeah I know crazy right? So in the mean time I'm overwhelmed thinking about how gross my house is, how many small errands are starting to build up etc. The other day we managed a run to the post office, bank, and a stop at a spa for a gift card for a bday gift. It took me FOREVER to do just those three things because of the loading and unloading of the girls. So yeah, Lydia is sleeping a little longer but now my two year old has decided to wake up at night as well. Luckily she's still in a crib (despite Charlie telling me it's time to adjust her crib to a toddler bed) because otherwise she would have all this freedom and would get out of her bed every time I'm up with Lydia and she sees that lamp on. I can hear her in her bed playing/talking when I'm up late at night. Sometimes she also wakes up crying and asking for me, like this morning at 5am... I had just fallen asleep after feeding Lydia and pumping... and so I stumbled into her room eyes practically glued shut to snuggle and comfort her. I sometimes nap during Natalia's nap time if I've timed Lydia's feeding/pumping just right... but usually I stay up just so that I can do maybe one little thing to make myself feel better about the house. OH WELL. Ok vent about exhaustion over.

Oh and don't even get me started on my post baby body. A fellow blogger and mommy of an October baby just posted a blog about her post baby body and gave a run down of everything that is wrong. I couldn't help but just smile and nod and agree with it all! Don't get me wrong, I'm so happy with the way the weight loss is going. I gained 32lbs with Lydia (after gaining almost 50 with Natalia). I have about 12lbs left, which is great. I laugh because after having Natalia I said I wanted to lose my baby weight by Christmas that year, which didn't happen. This time I probably will lose it by Christmas and it will only have been a month and a half instead of 6 months. But, seriously. My boobs piss me off. They are great at producing milk, but of course because of our issues I have to pump instead of breast feed. They hurt like hell when the milk refills them too, not to mention my nipples are killing me from pumping. I remember my boobs being tender for a while after Natalia and I keep reminding myself that I will eventually get used to it, but seriously how long is it going to take? In the mean time they are ENORMOUS and my nursing bras suck. Nothing fits and I hate spending money on more. Charlie and I have a deal that when we are done having babies I'm getting them fixed. They've been destroyed by my kiddos and I'd like them to not hang down to my belly button when this is all said in done. ;) Definitely won't need the size adjusted though because they didn't shrink that much when I was done pumping for Natalia, so I don't think they will shrink much with each kid there after. I'm in the lame in between phase right now were none of my regular clothes fit but my maternity stuff is too big. So once I lose that last 12lbs I still have to worry about my hips going back before anything will fit again. So yeah, on top of my gross hardly ever showering habits I'm stuck hating my body right now. Yeah yeah, I'm only four weeks post delivery, but whatever I have the right to complain! ;)

HOLY FRICK ON A STICK! Christmas already? WTF! I'm not ready to start thinking about Christmas and shopping. YIKES! I can barely manage day to day shopping, now I'm expected to Christmas shop? yeah... I have a sneaking suspicion that most gifts will be bought online this year.

Ok, so there you have it. For those that think I have it together... I don't. But, one of these days I will right?

Although, I'm so stinking excited for this weekend. My dear friend Amy is coming home from Alaska to celebrate her bday and meet Lydia! We haven't had people over lately to watch football games, but with Amy in town we have lots of plans for the two games! =)